One Bakersfield woman's blog to mankind

I've moved! Escrow closed on a 2bd -1bth blogspot on blogger.com

2005-03-06T08:14:34Z

One Bakersfield woman's blog to mankind has moved to blogger.com! All my readers please update your link-- you can find my blog here... One Bakersfield woman's blog to mankind

I've moved the entire blog! Every entry, every one of your great comments... it's all there for you to read! And more posts are coming soon!

A great big shout out and much appreciation and thanks to Dan at Bakotopia for his help in uploading my profile icon picture and setting up the HTML for the link sections on the blog! I could never have done it myself... I'm computer techy challenged.

Thanks to my readers for your support in this self-exploration blog endeavor, I hope that you'll continue reading on the new blog site!

love to you all...

Matildakay

Yesterday’s storm reminiscent of a Mississippi tropical storm of yesteryear

2005-03-05T19:06:54Z

Yesterday’s down-pour, flooding, lightning and thunder that rattled buildings reminded me of a tropical storm I was suddenly caught in while visiting friends in Mississippi along the Gulf of Mexico about a 30 minute drive from New Orleans in 1999. I am not sure of the name of the highway, but there is a coastal highway that runs along the Gulf of Mexico in Mississippi and a section of it leaves land and stretches across the Gulf in bridge-like fashion. Only it’s not that high up off the water like a bridge is, it’s low to the water giving the visual affect of driving across an ocean. We were driving along this highway on our way back to our friends house after a day of sight seeing when suddenly the skies opened up with a tropical down-pour the likes of which I’ve never seen being from California where we have mostly nice weather all the time. The rain was so thick you couldn’t see a foot in front of the car. There was nowhere to pull over and wait it out because we were on a bridge. And if that wasn’t bad enough… the waters in the Gulf of Mexico started to rise with the down-pour, the bridge seemed to get smaller and smaller and felt like it would be swallowed up at any moment by a tropical storm with a bad name (their storms are big enough to be named by the national weather departments). It was very scary! The only thing we could do was keep driving. We drove as quickly as we could following cars with Mississippi plates hoping they would know what to do. When we finally reached land again, we pulled over for a few minutes to catch our breath thankful that we had made it across what before we thought was a cool bridge. We then tried to navigate our way through flooded streets. Has anyone seen the traffic light system they have in Mississippi? Working for an engineering firm where we design streets as part of our job… I will tell you-- Mississippi traffic light systems are one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Their lights are strung on power lines across the intersections, almost reminiscent of San Francisco cable car wires. They do not work well in a tropical storm where lightning is striking the road. I began to wonder if we’d ever make it to our friend’s house… We are lucky that we don’t have tropical storms like that all the time. Yesterday’s downpour was reminiscent but nothing like it in comparison.

This entry also posted on Bakoblog.

Gemini Twin

2005-03-03T07:56:13Z

Gemini—the sign of the twins. I was born a Gemini. May 28th a really long time ago… I’ve never really understood or followed astrology. It just isn’t all that important to me. My girlfriend ‘Babe’ and my sister-in-law both are very intrigued by astrology. They always ask people when their birthdays are or what sign someone is. And ‘Babe’ looks everyone up in this big book she has to find out all of his or her personality traits. What’s the point really? I just don’t get it.

I have this joke about being a Gemini that I tell people when asked my sign—“My ‘twin’ is off somewhere living the life I’m supposed to be living.”

Lately I’ve been wondering if that is more true than a joke. For surely my Gemini twin is out there somewhere in a wonderful relationship, possibly married, with beautiful children. That’s the life I’m supposed to be living. I’m not supposed to be divorced. Single. No children. 36. Alone. With yet another birthday looming in three months.

I could be stuck in my own Sliding Doors moment. Somewhere in my life there was that one happenstance moment of ‘What if’. A moment where my twin and I split and started living separate lives. And I ended up on the path I’m currently navigating. I wonder which choice, which decision it was that caused this split. Was it the first worthless man I fell in love with? Or the second? Was it when I got married? Or divorced? Was it the day I lost a baby? Or when I couldn’t get pregnant? Was it leaving college to go into business with my parents? Or starting a business with my ex-husband? Or working for a boss I have no respect for? Was it moving from that condo to the house with the red doors to the house I’m in now? Was it the way I spend my money? Was it waiting for ‘him’ to love me when ‘he’ never will? Was it the day I stepped off a curb and dislocated my knee that took two reconstructive surgeries to repair? Or was it a million other tiny little choices I’ve made every day? One of those moments could hold the answers to my twin and I and our elusive separate lives. Or it could go back even further… to the day I was born. I was born in Bakersfield to no one known to me. Given away and adopted by two wonderful parents. I live a life I was taught not one I inherited. My birth certificate states May 28th as my date of birth, but this is a corrected birth certificate with my adoptive parents names on it. I’ve never seen my real birth certificate. Those records are sealed. And I can’t open them without suing the courts and proving a medical need for information. It was the 60’s after all, a time of closed adoptions… not today’s liberal open adoptions where all parties involved meet before the baby is born. I don’t know my nationality, medical history or if I have any siblings. What if I actually was a ‘twin’! It’s possible… who knows. Does being given away on the day you were born instill a sense of loneliness in a person that never really quite goes away? Does not knowing whom you look like confuse your self-image? Does not knowing where you come from make it more difficult to ‘fit’ in? Will my Gemini twin and I ever reconnect and live the life I was meant to live?

Playing Mom—weekend child sounds and moments…

2005-03-01T09:35:52Z

I played mom this past weekend-- my goddaughter came to stay. So, this is what it’s like to be a mother…

FRIDAY NIGHT: Harry Connick, McDonald’s and a computer.

“Oh no! I can’t believe your wearing that!” My goddaughter exclaimed when I picked her up.

“What?” I asked.

“That Harry Connick Jr. shirt!” She said pointing at my t-shirt from the concert I had recently attended.

“What’s wrong with this?” I asked. Did I make a fashion mistake? I wondered.

“Are you going to torture me again ALL weekend with his music?” She asked.

I look at her and can’t believe what I’m hearing. “I finally went to his concert!” I told her. She had been with me the weekend I bought the tickets.

“I was at a pizza place in Paso Robles with my dad, and I almost fainted.” She continued.

“Why did you almost faint?” I asked.

“Because I saw one of his songs on the jukebox!” She exclaimed.

“Did you play the song?” I asked.

“No way!” She exclaimed.

I don’t think I’m going to turn her into a Harry Connick Jr. fan anytime soon. “I won’t torture you.” I said.

“You promise?” She asked, then added… “You will, I know you will.”

“It will be hard not to… but I promise, I won’t torture you with Harry music.”

DID I MENTION SHE’S ONLY 9 YEARS OLD!

“What are we going to do this weekend?” She asked.

“We’re going to do your report for school.” I replied.

“Can we go to the dollar store?” She asked.

“If we get your homework done.” I said.

“Are we going to do anything else?” She asked.

“We might go to the hockey game tomorrow night. And then your brother’s birthday party is Sunday afternoon.” I said.

“What do you want for dinner?” I asked.

“McDonald’s.” She stated.

“How about this place or that place?” I asked hopingly.

“I only like McDonald’s” She says.

Off to McDonald’s we go… cheeseburger happy meal with a toy that doesn’t do much. The play area is too crowded-- she’s disappointed.

“Hey, you know that movie ‘Miracle on 34th Street’?” She asks as we drive past Memorial Hospital. “I was a miracle baby and I was born on 34th Street!”

“Yes, you were!” I say. Her and her mother both almost died in childbirth.

“There’s a girl in my class who doesn’t know what a ‘premie’ is!” She exclaims as if she can’t believe it.

I look up websites on California Missions for her report for school. We listen to Jewel, because she likes Jewel and I promised not to torture her with Harry. I chat with friends on the computer while she plays ‘store’ with my adding machine.

“Remember when we went to the Jewel concert?” She asks. I took her to the Jewel concert at the Fox Theater in Bakersfield.

“Yes, that was fun.” I say.

“My mom was sad she couldn’t go, she likes Jewel too.” She said.

“I wish your mom could have went too.” I say.

“Who are you talking to now?” She asks pointing at the computer while handing me a receipt for $9,000,000 that she made on the adding machine.

“I’m talking with my cousin G****, D****, and N***.” I tell her.

“Who’s D****?” She asks.

“A friend.” I say.

“Tell N*** hi from me!” She exclaims smiling. She likes him.

“I will. He knows you’re here.” I explain.

“How does he know I’m here?” She asks.

“He knows everything.” I tell her and smile.

She smiles and goes back to ringing up my make-believe purchases on the adding machine.

“I’ll save these websites so we can do your report tomorrow.” I state.

“Ok. Can I get on the computer now?” She asks.

“Yes, let me say goodbye to my friends.” I tell her.

I say goodbye to G**** and D**** and tell N*** she’s getting on the computer. She likes to chat with him.

“Ok. The computer is all yours.” I tell her.

She gets on the computer and goes to two websites: Barbie.com and Myscene.com and plays dress-up and other games. She entertains herself on the computer and I watch TV.

“What’s N***’s email address?” She yells out to me.

I tell her his email address wondering what she’s going to send him.

“N*** says goodnight.” She yells to me.

“Tell him goodnight from me.” I yell back to her.

Foot pushing in my side, arm flung across my face. She sleeps next to me in my big bed smelling of sweetness, child sweat and lingering baby smells… and I am in heaven.

SATURDAY MORNING: Showers, cereal and a school report to write.

“Did you brush your teeth?” I asked.

“Yes.” She says.

“Hold still while I fix your hair.” I say as she’s wiggling all around.

“Do you want cereal?” I ask.

“What kind do you have?” She asks.

“Lucky Charms or Lucky Charms.” I state.

“Ok.”

“Let’s get to your homework so we can get it done.” I say after she finishes her cereal.

We read information on Mission San Miguel, look at websites, and begin to write her report. She does most of it herself. She asks me questions, and I only help her with one or two sentences.

“Do you know what that word means?” I ask while helping her write a sentence. “I mean is that a word you would normally use or will your teacher know someone helped you?”

“Well she knows I’m really smart!” She states matter-of-factly.

“Oh, ok.” I say amazed.

“I made the honor-roll!” She says proudly.

In between sentences she runs off to play store again on the adding machine, or to play ‘I dropped my dolly in the dirt’ and ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’ on my piano. Songs I’ve taught her. She writes me notes and leaves them on my refrigerator.

“Come look at the refrigerator.” She says.

“I will.” I tell her. “Come back, we have more to do on your report.”

We spend three hours this way. Writing sentences, reading, drawing mission layouts-- playing store and piano, until finally we are on the last questionnaire and she’s becoming frustrated.

“Why is my teacher making me do all of this?!” She wails.

“Let’s take a break and get something to eat, we can finish it later.” I say. Seeing her attention span is on its last leg.

“No! I want to get this done, so I don’t have to do it anymore.” She exclaims.

“Ok, then let’s focus and finish.” I say.

“Can we go to the dollar store now?” She asks finally done with her homework.

Off to the dollar store we go. She buys a gift for her brother’s birthday and a ball for herself that she spends the rest of the afternoon bouncing it in the house and playing basketball with in my drive way.

SATURDAY NIGHT: Hockey game, snacks in my purse and a magazine.

“Who’s playing?” She asks.

“Bakersfield Condors and San Diego Gulls.” I tell her.

A Beastie Boys song plays during a time-out. “I know who this is! It’s the Beastie Boys!” She exclaims and starts to sing along with the song.

I think it’s just wrong that a 9 year old knows Beastie Boy songs! She sits next to me reading a magazine she brought with her munching on cheetos while I watch the game. She stands when we stand and sits when we sit. She’s halfway bored. She’s a Stealers fan after all, not a hockey fan. At intermission we go to the snack bar.

“What do you want to eat?” I ask her.

“A soda and licorice. I’m really thirsty.” She says.

“You don’t want any food-food, a hamburger or hotdog.” I ask.

“I don’t like hotdogs.” She says.

“Nachos? Pizza? Fries?” I ask hoping to get her to eat more than licorice.

She shakes her head no. And then when it’s our turn to order she changes her mind.

“I want nachos too!” She states.

I get her $5.00 nachos that she eats very little of. The Condors won, but I don’t think she even noticed.

Covers thrown off, she’s hot. Cartoon network on the TV. She sleeps…

SUNDAY MORNING: Pancakes, a failed hair-do, basketball and a computer.

I wake up before she does and chat with N*** on the computer. I go to wake her up-- she looks at me, flops over and buries herself under the covers.

“I want on the computer.” She says sleepily.

“Ok.” I say.

“N*** said to tell you that you sent him a lovely Barbie figure-skating show.” So… that’s what she emailed him!

She smiles and gets on the computer and goes to Myscene.com and plays dress-up again.

“This is you and my mom.” She tells me. As I look at a blonde and a brunette getting dressed to go out.

“Print it out for me.” I tell her.

I make us pancakes. She eats them the way I do with peanut butter and syrup. She plays on the computer and I clean up the kitchen.

“Hold still.” I say while fixing her hair really cute with twisty rolls in the front. Her mom doesn’t like her wearing pony tales all the time.

“I don’t like my hair down. It looks ugly.” She says squirming.

“It does not. You have pretty hair!” I exclaim.

In the end… we took out the twisty rolls and put her hair up in a pony tale. She played basketball in the driveway until time to go to her brother’s birthday party.

I found two notes on my refrigerator from her when I got home. They said: “M****** is the best, love D*****.” And “I love you M******. D*****.” My heart melted. This is what its like to have a daughter! I miss her already…

Flower in the Dale

2005-03-01T07:36:02Z

Another new blog... Flower in the Dale is a woman's point of view of: living in Oildale's small-minded community, her growth, and potential escape from small-mindedness, a new love, and single motherhood. So far... I really like it! Check it out.

A new blog discovered

2005-02-27T17:39:51Z

I discovered a new blog on NL’s blog page everyone might like to check out it’s called Bakersfield blog on Hollywood Boulevard . It’s written by an actor about his scouting trips to Bakersfield for a movie. A very different and somewhat strange take on Bakersfield from someone famous-- although as of yet he hasn’t revealed his identity so we don’t know how famous he is. Strange to think one of Hollywood’s elite has been walking among us and eating in little diners in Bakersfield. It’s weird how NL has the uncanny ability to find this kind of stuff, but then I know he has a lot of contacts everywhere regarding his Lords book even including the military. So… check out the blog, maybe you all will be able to figure out who the actor is, I’m very curious about that.

Annoying Cats update…

2005-02-25T23:48:05Z

I went home for lunch today and in my front yard were three of my neighbors annoying cats that torment me so. 3! I don’t know exactly how many cats my neighbor has. For all I know she could be one of those crazy little old ladies with 15 to 20 cats. I pulled into my drive way and the three cats, which were sitting in a semi-circle as if they were talking, looked over at me but didn’t budge. I assume they were discussing me. Discussing new ways to torture me! They continue to use my back yard as their toilet, (I haven’t bought that yard cat repellant yet, must really make an effort to do that), and now they are having cat conferences in my front yard. Their cat sex rendezvous’ continue to be a problem. It’s almost as if they have human radar or something. It doesn’t matter if I’m in my office area at the computer which happens to be next to a window, or if I’m in bed in my bedroom, which also happens to be next to a window—these cats always pick whichever window I happen to be next to… to have their cat-wailing and moaning and sex-screaming—cat sex! I can’t seem to escape them. They are determined to carry out their vendetta against me for not feeding them by torturing me with their daily and nightly cat sex. I should be so lucky as to have as much sex as these annoying cats! Still tormented and suffering… sigh.

Bakoblog

2005-02-24T08:41:51Z

I've been invited along with a few other writers to participate in Bakotopia's blog. A multi-user forum for writers of Bakersfield to express themselves. There are already some great posts up on Bakoblog, check it out.

Two Mels-- Sweet Harry Connick Dreams…

2005-02-24T07:27:01Z

WARNING: This post contains groupie type praise and blabbering drool!

Last night… ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ was not Disneyland. It was Bakersfield, California-- Civic Auditorium Rabobank Arena-- Front row seats in the Orchestra Pit-- 20 feet from Harry Connick Jr. and his grand piano, jazz trio and big band! And I was one of two ‘Mels’ who were having a heart-racing, hold-your-breath, and dream-come-true, wipe-the-drool-from-the-corner-of-our-mouths kind of night. Both of us had been in love with Harry Connick Jr. and his music for years, and only recently found that we had this in common.

“Oh my God! Look at these seats!” Mel exclaimed.

“Well, you said you wanted to be close enough to drool!” The other Mel replied.

“You couldn’t ask for better seats, these are perfect.” That guy the two Mels went with said.

We were close enough to drool. Close enough to see little drops of sweat on Harry’s forehead. Close enough to see Haryy's dimples. Close enough to see and hear Harry tapping his foot in time to his piano playing. Close enough to watch Harry’s hands playing rapid jazz piano rhythms and melodies. Close enough to see that he closed his eyes sometimes while playing the piano. Close enough to feel the inflections in Harry’s voice when he sang. Close enough to watch Harry shake his buns and dance to jazz trumpet, trombone and saxophone. And when he walked out to the edge of the stage, we were almost close enough to reach out and touch him.

And if that wasn’t enough… his jazz trio and big band were filled with extraordinary musicians! Some of the best music I’ve heard live in my life.

He sang old standards from his new cd ‘Only You’ songs from previous cds ‘Come By Me’, ‘To See You’ and others… He began the show with ‘A Kiss to Build A Dream On’. When he walked out to the edge of the stage and sang “… Give me a kiss to build a dream on…” in his deep romantic crooning voice, I don’t know about the other Mel but this Mel’s heart melted. Next he sang, “Take all of me…” and this Mel thought: “If I only could.”

And when he sang ‘For Once In My Life’ I leaned over to that guy the two Mels went with and said: “Someday…”

“Someday?” He asked.

“Someday… I’ll have everything Harry’s singing about in ‘For Once In My Life’.” This Mel said.

A lady gave him roses and Harry moved her and her husband up to better seats (but they weren’t as good as ours). Another lady yelled out “I love you Harry!” And he moved her and her friend up to better seats also. (Still not as good as ours).

“That was all set up ahead of time.” That guy the two Mels went with said.

“If we gave him roses or yelled out we loved him, do you think we’d get better seats?” Mel asked.

“Like in his lap!” The other Mel exclaimed.

In the middle of the show things slowed down for a moment-- Harry by himself. Just him, his voice, and his piano. He sang ‘Send Me Someone To Love’ like it was my desperate prayer, and an old James Booker song that I can’t remember the title of. He effortlessly reminded me of why he is my favorite jazz pianist of all time with intricate jazz piano rhythms and melodies. He is why I still keep the piano my parents bought for me as a child. He is the reason I still at times when I’m alone sit down at that piano and play old church hymns and other songs I’ve learned over the years. I would love to play the piano like Harry Connick Jr., but alas, I am not that talented.

Being from New Orleans he shared some New Orleans music with us in ‘Bourbon Street Parade’ and showcased his big band.

He ended the show with one of my favorite songs ‘Come By Me’ and even though he played us an encore… this Mel was sad to see Harry go. Sad to see this ‘two Mels dream-come-true Harry moment’ end. This Mel... rode the Harry-high feeling all the way home and into sweet Harry Connick dreams.

‘Punk Makeup Envy’ and yet another past life…

2005-02-22T07:36:16Z

Sunday night I met a local rock God. Punk rock star Seantastic of Karmahitlist. (see pictures here) He was larger than life with rock star hair; rock star clothes, rock star tattoos, rock star moves and yes, punk-rock-God makeup! His was the best makeup job I’ve seen in a long time. As a former professional in the Cosmetic industry and trained in cosmetics in LA—and having owned the Cosmetic studio franchise Merle Norman here in Bakersfield for 10 years; let me tell you this local rock star’s look was right on the money. And I had punk makeup envy! He managed to achieve the perfect dramatic ‘Smokey eye’ look (my personal favorite), he added red shadow under his brows for rock star effect and he wore the perfect shade of lip-gloss (I wanted to ask him where he got it). Although it is possible that somewhere an adoring girl helped Seantastic with his makeup… I prefer to believe that someone of Seantastic’s charisma would have the talent to create his own punk-rock-God makeup look and in turn give me punk makeup envy!

In yet another ‘past life’ (the cosmetic store years) I did on average at least 3 makeovers a day 6 to 7 days a week for 10 years. That’s a lot of makeovers. That’s a lot of different looks I created on every different face and personality imaginable. I’ve done wedding parties, little old ladies, teenagers, and women of every age, local news reporters and transvestites. I once did a makeover on a woman who had been beaten up by her boyfriend and wanted help covering up the bruises that covered most of her face. She was so appreciative and I was just glad to help and see her smile. I met one of my best girlfriends when she came into the store crying from divorce court—I did a makeover on her, made her feel beautiful and we’ve been friends ever since. I taught a transvestite how to do his makeup during the weeks of his transformation from Victor to Victoria. (Quite a challenge I’ll tell you, he was not pretty!) I taught a local news reporter how to apply makeup for the camera. I used to give makeup presentations at local ‘women in business’ conferences. I knew my customers by name and what they wore. And I knew how to make women feel and look beautiful. I was taught that makeup was an art, the face a blank canvas and everyone is beautiful. Makeup just enhances a woman’s natural beauty. When a woman sat down at my makeup station I could look at her face and know exactly what colors would look best on her. It felt like a gift. And the hours I spent with each customer making them feel beautiful; creating my own pieces of art was very full filling.

The thousands of makeovers I did in the years I owned the cosmetic store have blurred in my memory. Too many faces, too many women, even though all were beautiful only a few stand out in my memory some of which I mentioned above. However, the one I will never forget was an older lady in her late 50’s to middle 60’s with gray hair. She came into the store one afternoon and requested a free makeover.

“What type of makeover were you wanting?” I asked her.

“Well, I DON’T want to look like YOU!” She said.

As you can imagine, I was insulted and instantly pissed off. And yet I had to spend an hour with her being kind and gracious and making her feel beautiful and looking nothing like me. I should have given her Seantastic’s punk-rock-God makeup look… but then I don’t think she had punk makeup envy the way I do.

Nostalgia moments of a past life…

2005-02-21T05:16:39Z

My phone rang last night and when I answered it, instead of a ‘hello’ my friend from up north said: “How do you make a Whiskey Sour?” I smiled, laughed and talked him through a Whiskey Sour. (One of my personal favorite drinks).

I get these phone calls every now and again from family, friends, and co-workers. The most humorous of these types of calls was last July. I was at Disneyland with friends and my co-worker called me on my cell phone and asked: “How do you make a French Martini?” (A drink that I turned him on to). I told him how to make it and then he asked me to explain it to the bartender at the restaurant he was at, because he had ordered one and she had never heard of a French Martini. I then found myself speaking to an annoyed bartender… I quickly gave her the ingredients and was glad that I was not in her shoes at that moment. Obviously my co-workers were being difficult and picky customers.

Why are people calling this Bakersfield woman and asking them how to make drinks you may ask.

In my past life (married life) I used to own a Bartending School here in Bakersfield with my ex-husband. I wrote the curriculum used in the bartending classes. I’ve taught hundreds of people in this town how to bartend. I used to book, staff, coordinate, supervise and bartend events for this city. The biggest event being the Bakersfield Business Convention at CSUB with over 12,000 people in attendance where I staffed 6 different bar stations with 20 bartenders and personally made $600 in tips that day. The second biggest event was for the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce with 5,000 people in attendance 5 bar stations, and a staff of 15 bartenders. I used to do events at the Fox Theater for Tim Gardea and Joe Meloche of 415 Productions who since have developed their own entertainment production companies: Tim Gardea Presents and Icon Entertainment . I’ve done many small events: private parties, weddings, and wakes for local businesses and the community. I also used to be a member of the international Flair Bartending Association and attended many competitions.

I say ‘in my past life’ because I gave up the Bartending School business in my divorce. And it has since dissolved. I am however still a ‘bartender for hire’ for private events if anyone needs one you can contact me here: Matildakay2@yahoo.com

Friday night I went with a friend to watch The Dalloways, Liars and Thieves and other bands play at Gigantic and heard some great music from local bands (read the review here) at nlbelardes.com and passed by the Syndicate Coffee House next to Naked Al’s Tattoo which is the space my Bartending School was located. We went inside and got some drinks and I was surprised to find that it looked almost exactly as it had when I owned it. The Mexican paver tile floor was the same (my ex-husband and I installed it ourselves), the walls were still painted the perfect ‘white wine’ California Chardonnay color of paint that I spent hours picking out and days painting along with the black trim. The bar and back bar was almost exactly the same as the bar we had in the school, which I know was torn out during the time a vintage clothing store was located in the space before Syndicate Coffee House and after the Bartending School. The front corner had couches for lounging and talking; I had a similar set up in the same front corner. I wanted to go upstairs and down in the basement to see what they had done there. It was a very surreal moment for me.

When we left Syndicate Coffee House and walked around downtown I said to my friend: “That was very weird for me, it looked almost the same as when I had it.”

“You sound almost jealous.” He said.

“No, not jealous. It’s just a lot of time, energy, and work went into that place and then one day I went to the bank and signed my name and it wasn’t mine anymore.”

“It’s all in the past.” He said. “It’s all novel fodder now.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just bittersweet memories of a past life is all.”

Missing blog entry...

2005-02-20T02:16:31Z

For those of you who read my blog entry "How many ways can you skin a lie" yesterday, you may be wondering what happened to it. It was pointed out to me that it might not be a good idea to write about my boss and my job on the internet. "You don't know who may be reading it" I was told. So... I've deleted the entry. I do appreciate those of you who commented on the entry, and everything you had to say.

More great blogs...

2005-02-16T06:29:01Z

While I'm on the subject of blogs...

Check out $200 Tercel! A very smart and witty blog! Follow the tale of a Tercel that cost only $200 bucks and other great stories and commentary.

Also check out local author's blog nlbelardes! Ongoing Social and Literary Commentary on Bakersfield news, the rest of the Southern Central Valley, plus music reviews and interviews, thought provoking and insightful prose, poetry and excerpts from his literary works, zany kids tales, and exciting hockey stories... and so much more... Thanks to nlbelardes for the link to my blog on his site!

I have links to both these sites in my links section.

Bakotopia

2005-02-16T06:16:51Z

Bakotopia was kind enough to put up a link to my blog in their local links section, Thanks! Bakotopia is a free, Bakersfield-based community site where anyone can post stuff. Check them out... promote your blog entries, list stuff you want to sell or buy, post anonymous personal ads, look for a job or an employee, find an apartment, rant or whatever... that's what Bakotopia is for. Looks like a fun inter-active site for the Bakersfield community. I've added a link to Bakotopia in my links section.

Bake Town

2005-02-15T23:04:57Z

Thanks to Bake Town for her link to my blog and the nice introduction entry (read here)! I've been enjoying reading Bake Town's blog! She writes witty stories of Bakersfield today, reminisces of Bakersfield yesteryear and keeps her readers informed on what's happening in Bakersfield news and music. I've added Bake Town to my link section... check her out.

Poems for Valentine's Day...

2005-02-14T07:19:11Z

For Valentine's Day I refer to the master poets and share something with you about 'love'... two of my favorites.

Something old fashioned:

William Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet (I.i.)

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs;
Being purg’d, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes;
Being vex’d, a sea nourish’d with lovers’ tears;
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.

Something modern:

Surrealist Poet - Jacques-Bernard Brunius
From: "I love"

I love sliding I love upsetting everything
I love coming in I love sighing
I love taming the furtive manes of hair
I love hot I love tenuous
I love supple I love infernal
I love sugared but elastic the curtain of springs turning to glass
I love pearl I love skin
I love tempest I love pupil
I love benevolent seal long-distance swimmer
I love oval I love struggling
I love shining I love breaking
I love the smoking spark silk vanilla mouth to mouth
I love blue I love known – knowing
I love lazy I love spherical
I love liquid beating drum sun if it wavers
I love to the left I love in the fire
I love because I love at the edges
I love forever many times Just one
I love freely I love especially
I love separately I love scandalously
I love similarly obscurely uniquely
HOPINGLY
I love I shall love

Valentine, love, friends, men, hockey and Harry...

2005-02-13T07:58:31Z

When you are single and don’t have a ‘Valentine’… it is important to spend Valentine’s day/weekend doing things to stave off that nagging depression over being ‘alone’ on the day/weekend the world celebrates ‘couples’ and love. Every where I look there are hearts and flowers and people saying ‘I love you’ and it is hard on my heart when I realize it has been several years since anyone other than my parents, brother, best girlfriends has said those three little words to me. And the last time I heard those three words-- they were a lie spewing from my ex-husband’s mouth as he tried to manipulate me to get what he wanted. Come Monday the world will stop, slow down and say ‘I love you’ and I… will go to work and physical therapy and go home like any other Monday. What can I do? Why-- fall in love of course! Last night I spent an hour and a half falling in love with incredibly sexy, good looking and adorable Dermot Mulroney as I sat in a darkened theater with my girlfriend watching ‘The Wedding Date’. I love dark-haired men… and he is one of those quietly sexy, understated men that most people overlook because he doesn’t have ‘Brad Pit’ fame status. But let me tell you… he’s never looked better than he did in that movie. I fell in love with my girlfriend for being the sweetest, kindest person I will ever know and for her friendship over the last 15 years. She’s been there through all my heartaches, tears, and happiness too. Today my parents gave me their traditional Valentine’s day gift of chocolate and a stuffed animal and I fell in love with them for all that they do and have done for me. I ate pancakes with a dear friend and his kids and fell in love with them for the laughter, fun and friendship they bring to my life. I spent the afternoon buying Valentine gifts for my friends to celebrate them. Watched Richard Gere in ‘Shall We Dance’ and renewed that love affair. Indulged in chocolate ice cream-- I love chocolate. And tonight… I fell in love with 24 men. Ice Hockey! The Bakersfield Condors came back to beat the Long Beach Ice Dogs in the best come-back victory game of the season to secure first place in the league again. They do make a heart soar with love when they win! And then there is ‘Harry’… Harry Connick Jr. who sings me to sleep on nights I don’t feel like being alone. A brilliant musician, with one of the sexiest voices ever, good looking and openly expresses his love for his wife, their marriage and his children. (Someone please tell me where I can find a man like Harry). I fall in love with Harry all over again tonight as he sings ‘Only You’ to me and wonders who I am in the ‘Other Hours’. And tomorrow I hope to fall in love some more… making disappointing men, heartache, unrequited love, divorce and loneliness a distant memory from the past.

Fashion Trend?

2005-02-10T08:31:39Z

Did I miss Fashion Week here in Bakersfield? I haven't bought a 3 inch thick 'Vogue' magazine in quite a while so I didn't realize that the latest Fashion trend being copied by 20-something Bakersfield girls was to wear their silky lacy Victoria Secret cami's (As a top!) out in public with a pair of jeans. Sexy sleepwear is now considered appropriate public dress just because it's paired with jeans!? I happened to be at the 'Mint' last Saturday night listening to The Filthies play (read the review here) and at 'Riley's' on Phat Tuesday having a drink when I noticed this new fashion trend in abundance. Either I'm getting really old or really out of style! Because I don't think I'll be jumping on the silky lacy Victoria Secret cami top band wagon any time soon. Tank tops or a halter top in the summer time I can do. But don't these 20-something cami fashion trend wearing girls realize that not only are they wearing sleepwear as a top-- but it's winter outside! If I had to dress that way to be noticed or approached, I think I'd just go ahead and kill myself. These girls must be a product of the 'Barbie Mentality' previously discussed in this blog. I think a woman can be just as attractive, just as sexy in regular clothes that fit and look nice. But then again... I don't think I'm like most women most of the time. Therefore, I'll be keeping my silky lacy Victoria Secret cami's where they belong... in the bedroom.

A poem...

2005-02-08T07:57:05Z

An unnamed poem about a recent night out...

Brit car ride
Through Oleander streets.
Two tickets
One student—one adult
Souvenir stub.
Great smile, nice chat
New clothes
Old me.
“Do you go to CSUB?”
“No”, shake my head, “Not me”.
Basketball… is not Ice Hockey!
Give me Conner James and Fukufuji.
Free throw line—giant dice roll,
Mine goes nowhere fast.
A metaphor for my life,
I’m sure.
Partner—roll giant dice again...
Seven! We win!
It takes two, it seems.
Girlfriend’s husband films,
Embarrassing moment
To be re-played on TV!
Two tickets
Rain-checked
Brit car ride
Through Oleander streets.

Quote from today's calendar...

2005-02-08T07:09:29Z

"Great loves too must be endured." -Coco Chanel

Interesting truth... don't you think?

An Orange Dream Machine World with a boost of Femme…

2005-02-06T02:04:45Z

I’ve heard it told that people resemble in flavor and character what they order at Starbucks. If that is so… than I am ‘Hot Chocolate with no Whip Cream’.

If the same theory can be applied to Jamba Juice… than I am an ‘Orange Dream Machine with a femme boost’.

What would it be like to live in an Orange Dream Machine world with a boost of Femme power? I picture Milla Jovovich with orange hair, strikingly beautiful, and kicking butt in the Fifth Element. But in reality—it would be a smooth-going creamsicle like existence full of good hair days, a flat stomach and low-rise jeans. Where things seemed to work out a little bit easier and I got a break every now and then. Where simple femininity was appreciated instead of being more athletic. Where all the ab exercises I do weekly would produce a flat stomach instead of this little bit of ‘poochyness’ I notice when I wear low-rise jeans. A world where I earned money by reading books-- finished my novel and someone wanted to publish it. A world where brunettes with a brain are approached by men instead of being invisible standing next to my blonde-Barbie-doll-bombshell cousin. Where someone liked my sense of humor. Where romance was a thing of the present not an idea of the past. A world where I finally felt like I fit in: with my family, with my friends, with a man. A world where someone finally ‘gets’ me and orders a creamsicle smoothie Orange Dream Machine with a femme boost.

Excerpt from my novel...

2005-02-03T23:53:54Z

Here is another little piece from my novel...

From Chapter One:

“It would have been easier to pay for Irving’s funeral than to get divorced.” I explained to Dana over lunch as she nodded her agreement. I met Dana fifteen years ago when she came into my cosmetic store crying, straight from divorce court herself; I gave her a free makeover, made her feel beautiful, and we’ve been best friends ever since. I finally had an understanding of what she had been through.

“Seriously, I mean it Dana. Just think about it. With the four thousand I’ve already spent on my lawyer and court costs, I could have paid to have Irving cremated.”

“Oh, I wish I could have done that to Harry.” Dana said smiling.

“I could have thrown him a big memorial party, put his ashes on display next to his practice-bartending competition bottles and his picture. Played the song 'Kryptonite' by '3 Doors Down' over and over again, since he said it was the ‘theme song’ for his life. And after everyone left-- I’d pour his ashes down the toilet and flush them.”

“Oh, that’s wicked!” Dana exclaimed.

“It’s what he deserves. He could spend eternity in the sewer among piss and shit. It suits him.”

“I need another drink.” I said sucking the last of my whiskey sour through a straw.

“Besides, widow has a much better ring to it than divorced. Don’t you think?”

“Well they are certainly treated differently.” Dana replied.

“Yeah, widows don’t have to deal with the humiliation and betrayal that confronts you every time you turn around on top of their grief.”

“Irving should be shot for what he did to you Claire, no one forced him to walk down that isle and make those vows to you.” Dana consoled, her rosey cheeks glowed sweetness when she spoke. Kindness radiated from green eyes that squinted a little in the corners when she smiled. She wears glasses and has blondish brown shoulder length hair. Her goodness is taken advantage of by defenseless animals and men. She has a warm bubbly personality and follows celebrity gossip and sensationalized news stories with a passion. She’s been divorced for fifteen years and raised two beautiful daughters all on her own. And at this moment as I looked into her face, I don’t know how she managed it.

“I did use his picture for target practice once.”

“No! You didn’t!”

“Yeah, Fred took everyone in the office shooting one day. I learned to shoot a hand gun and a rifle. Shot Irving right between the eyes with the rifle.”

“Oh, I don’t like guns.” Dana exclaimed.

“I don’t like them either.” I replied. “But it sure felt good when I shot Irving’s picture! There was an overwhelming sense of power that was so uncontrollable. I don’t think I could own a gun, wouldn’t be able to actually pull the trigger at a real human being.”

“Not even if it was Irving?” Dana asked.

“No. Not even then.”

“Well you know what they say, ‘what goes around comes around’, he’ll eventually get what he deserves.” Dana consoled.

“It would be nice to see if he finally realized the consequences of his actions to other people--but somehow, I doubt it ever happens.” I relented.

“I used to fantasize about running over the blonde-bitch with my car, but even in my fantasy I couldn’t do it; couldn’t hurt a pregnant woman.”

“It’s not the baby’s fault.” Dana reminded me.

“I know. But someday Irving’s going to do the same thing to the blonde-bitch and she’ll know exactly how I feel.”

“It’s just a matter of time.” Dana agreed.

Groundhog Day, beautiful sunshine in the valley, Punxsutawney Phil’s shadow and… a used condom??

2005-02-03T00:09:28Z

Groundhog Day: All eyes across the nation were fastened on the Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil this morning as his shadow fell on Gobbler’s Knob and he predicted six more weeks of dreary winter receiving thousands of boos from the crowd.

This must be a Groundhog Day trick. Our usually fog-filled dreary skied Southern San Joaquin Valley is basking in beautiful sunshine today. It’s a teaser. A preview of what is to come when spring finally gets here. Like Bill Murray we're stuck in a 'Groundhog Day' moment of uncanny weather. Why else would we have such a beautiful sunshine day if we are expecting six more weeks of winter? God must be saying hang on… this is what you have to look forward to.

Two of my co-workers and myself walked out of our office today, on our way to lunch, into the sunshine that we had glimpsed through the office windows. We all wished we could be outdoors enjoying the sunshine instead of stuck in the office working. It was a no jacket, picnic in the park, sunglasses, driving with the windows rolled down and wind in my hair kind of sunshiny day. When suddenly we stopped short in front of our cars under the covered parking area at my office. There on the ground was a used condom and beside it the torn package.

“Someone got busy.” My co-worker said pointing at the used condom.

“Ew, disgusting!” Said my other co-worker who is six months pregnant as we all bent over to have a better look.

“Beal Park is less than half a block away from here. Why did they have to ‘get busy’ in our covered parking area?” I asked disgusted.

“Ew, disgusting!” My pregnant co-worker said again as she covered her mouth and turned away.

“This is the boss's normal parking spot.” My other co-worker commented. He was less affected by the site of the used condom lying sprawled on the pavement.

“Ew, what if it was his!” My pregnant co-worker exclaimed.

“Oh, now that is just gross!” I said.

We were all strangely silent for a moment as we looked at the used condom. Then my pregnant co-worker tiptoed over the used condom and torn package and crawled into her car that was parked in the boss’s normal parking spot and drove off to lunch.

When I returned to the office from lunch-- the used condom and torn package laid on the pavement just as it had been before, in front of my pregnant co-worker's car parked in the boss’s normal spot. She must have tiptoed over it once again with another exclamation of “Ew, disgusting!” I imagine.

Wavering Stability

2005-02-01T23:48:11Z

There is an uneasy catching sensation in my knee today. I can feel it as I go up and down the stairs at my office. Something is a little bit off. A wavering stability that echos inside me. Will my knee buckle on this step or the next step… will I fall. Can I handle all of the project emergencies being thrown at me today or will I fail. Lunch with ‘Babe’ where ‘being perfect’ and ‘imperfections’ were discussed and a Chinese fortune read: "If you want to climb a ladder you must begin at the first step". My eyes blink from moment to moment trying to focus through astigmatism shapes to see the truth of things. Like-- wanting to be loved doesn’t mean I am. Like-- wanting ‘you’ to call doesn’t make the phone ring. Like-- finding a voice being the first step to telling a story. Like-- little imperfections that make me perfect in my own way. Like-- taking this moment to write down my thoughts, instead of running a multi-tasking race. Like U2 says: "…take this heart and make it break" so that I might feel! Like-- the crick that’s been in my neck for the past few days there’s a nagging need to not have to 'go it alone'. But for this moment-- there are emergencies to handle, clients yelling on a phone that doesn’t stop ringing, and music on the computer to feed my heart in the midst of sewer plans, tract maps and invoices that need my attention. I clean my glasses so my eyes can focus, rub the crick in my neck, stretch out my knee to ease that uneasy catching sensation and continue on…

Annoying Cats...

2005-01-31T06:48:55Z

I don't have any pets where I live. I was unwilling to pay the $500 pet deposit when I moved into this house... even though I would like to have a pet to keep me company. I am a dog person not a cat person. If I had a pet-- it would be a dog. I don't like a pet who snubs you, scratches you, won't play or cuddle or come when you call them. My next door neighbor has cats. Totally annoying cats! 2 or 3 or more annoying cats! They use my back yard as their toilet and the brick wall between the house and the garage as their sleeping quarters. One of my favorite things to do is to open the garage door as these annoying cats are walking from their home to my backyard or wall and scare the hell out of them. They lickity-split right out of there afraid that I might kill them with the garage door. That would be better than running them over with the car, my neighbor might not like that.

As if the backyard toilet and wall sleeping weren't annoying enough these cats have now taken to having sex outside my bedroom window at night! Cat wailing and moaning and sex screaming! Please! I don't need to be reminded that annoying cats have more sex than a divorced 36 year old single woman. It's just not kind! Can't they find somewhere else to rendezvous? I think they have a vendetta against me because I'm not one of those people who leaves cat food out for strays. Their plan: torture and taunt me with cat sex. They'll probably have kittens-- multipy and there will be more annoying cats and more annoying cat sex. They want me to suffer I just know it. Sigh.